Our progress five weeks into fundraising.
Consultations, Fundraising, AND GETTING MY SURGERY DATE.
The past five weeks hold such a rollercoaster of experience. I feel as though a dam of possibilities unleashed, creating a constant churning of turbulent emotion.
For one thing, feeling the love pouring in from community fills me with overwhelm. For so many years I cut myself off and guarded myself from support - a learnt coping mechanism from rejection and fear. It is no surprise my closest loved ones repeatedly buy me rose quartz in an attempt to open my heart up to receiving their love. I often smile and shy away a bit, acknowledging the soft nudge.
These past five weeks felt like receiving 4,178 rose quartz - each dollar and donation cracking my heart open a little more - forcing me to receive the support and love from each of you. I feel so held by community. So uplifted through transition.
As I navigate the often exhausting process of pursuing top surgery, it is this love and support that carries me through. Your donations are so much more than monetary. Your donations are love - given generously - and received wholeheartedly.
To each of you - I return my deepest gratitude - and my trust.
Below, find some updates of my journey in the past five weeks. It has been a nuanced experience - and I'm glad to not do it alone.
November 10 - December 18
Consultations
Fundraising
GETTING MY TOP SURGERY DATE
Step 1: Consultations
I consulted with three surgeons to determine who I would trust with creating my new chest. This process was a whirlwind, each occurring over the course of three consecutive days.
The experience was - turbulent. In one moment, I would feel pure elation at the reality that I had somehow gotten an appointment with all three of my dream surgeons. Then in the next moment, I would have to take photos of my chest or get an exam, and I would quickly spiral into a state of dissociation and depression.
Couple that emotional experience with the draining energy of travel (without a car), coordinating with work, running a fundraiser, and finding dog care...and you have a lot of unprocessed trauma.
While two of my consults were really positive experiences, one truly rocked me. The surgeon was abrasive and condescending, throwing several barriers in my way.
This first step really exposed how much I prepared for this process logistically, though not emotionally. I'm not sure one can ever truly prepare to hold space for the mix of excitement, shock, exposure, and vulnerability that this process entails. Moving forward, I am carving out a lot more space for journaling, breathing, and...honestly, crying everywhere and anywhere.
At the end of the week, I chose Dr. Gallagher, based in Miami, to perform my surgery. She is the most confident in dealing with my particular bleeding disorder and is the most affordable.
Step 2: Fundraising
Over the course of these consultations and becoming insured, I confirmed that insurance in fact will not be covering any costs of operation. My insurance does not have out-of-network benefits and gender-affirming surgeons often choose to function out-of-network in order to best service their patients with safe, accessible care.
As anticipated, I need to pay for the cost of surgery, the facility, anesthesiology, travel, and lodging entirely out of pocket. After crunching the numbers, this is about 11,000 - with my expectation to save around $1,000 of my own money.
So far, we are 40% of the way there! A massive thank you to each of you who has donated so far. A double thank you to those of you who have decided to make multiple donations as your budget allows - this continued support makes a massive impact.
Some beautiful souls who operate @raffles4reliefmaine orchestrated a raffle that raised $1,205 in two weeks - all of my love to Mx. Emma Donnelly for this labor. An added thank you to my beautiful previous employers, Elements: Books Coffee Beer, for providing their beautiful raffle prize and solidarity.
So far, fundraising has certainly tested my competency in social media and my comfort with exposure. In many instances, fundraising has re-connected me with old friends who I haven't heard from in years. People who I haven't seen since transitioning have poured in and offered me healing and validation.
In other instances, I've been met with intrusive questions by community members in public settings or told by fellow trans siblings that I should be able to work hard enough to raise the funds myself. These moments are less fulfilling - and while I know my worth - they call to light many of my deepest fears in pursuing this journey.
Thank you to those who held me through these experiences and quickly reminded me to focus on all of the support pouring in around me.
Fundraising has been a huge step into visibility and a lesson in asserting boundaries and self-worth. A lesson in expressing my needs and finding strength in interdependence. A practice in communal healing and solidarity. These lessons will carry with me far past this fundraiser.
This is the beauty of transformation.
Step 3: GETTING MY TOP SURGERY DATE
On December 7th, I deposited the first $2,000 of donations to secure my Top Surgery for
May 9th.
I cannot express to you how vastly my ease and mental health immediately improved upon securing this date. In the past two weeks, my dissociation has decreased and my presence in life increased.
What's Next?
Fundraising, pt. 2 - $5,822 left to go!
(If anyone has suggestions for future fundraising events, please send them my way!)
April 14 - Surgery Fees Due In Full
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